Our words this week are the full lyrics to Built to Spill’s song “Pat” off of their album There Is No Enemy.
“Pat, we need your brains back
Pat, we need your fire and your imagination
Pat, we know you fucked up
But we don’t care you fucked up, everybody’s fucked up
Thought I heard your voice the other night
And sure enough, it came from you
Thought I’d be surprised that you weren’t dead
But all I was was glad
Just sitting by your bed
And talking to your head
And hearing what you said
As if you’d never left
Can’t you see yourself yet, can’t you see through our eyes?
Can’t you see the truth?
Nothing’s worse than ever, falling in a dream’s where
We can see together
Saw you the other night
Have to say something wasn’t right
Of course, but I didn’t mind
‘Cause seeing you being all alive
Just walking in the room made me so relieved
Like everything was fine and you had never died
Or second-guessed your mind or gave up on our trust
Thought you’d gone too far for us to take you back
But distances like that, Pat, don’t exist in fact”
Doug Martsch beautifully displays the simplicities/complexities of processing the suicide of a loved one in his half of the conversation with a dead friend, Pat Brown, on this song. When you lose someone suddenly that way, there are conflicting emotions, waves of guilt/anger/sadness, and unanswerable questions that haunt you, but all you really want to is to be able to do is sit and talk to that person again. The honesty and clarity in these words always speak to me and for me. Thanks, Doug. Love and miss you, Logan.